Archive for December, 2009

School – 1957 vs. 2009

December 21st, 2009

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009 – School goes into lock down, Tactical Responce called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again..

Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 – Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

» Read more: School – 1957 vs. 2009

Lovely Doctor

December 21st, 2009

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO … Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

» Read more: Lovely Doctor

校内上那些很有才的“状态”

December 16th, 2009

  1.我们小学毕业非典了,我们初中毕业禽流感了,我们高中毕业甲流了,我们大学毕业….2012了
    
  4. 等中国强大了,全叫老外考中文四六级!文言文太简单,全用毛笔答题,这是便宜他们,惹急了爷,一人一把刀,一个龟壳,刻甲骨文。论文题目就叫论三个代表,听力全用周杰伦的歌,双节棍只听一遍,阅读理解就用周易,口试要求唱京剧,实验就考包饺子
    
  5.2012如果地没有裂,楼没有倒,厕所没有爆,路人甲没有跑,我会在2013年1月4日(爱你一生一世),这个千古难寻的大日子里,和我爱的人走进婚姻的殿堂!
    
  6. 刚上大学,我们怀着憧憬看了《奋斗》,当我们踟躇的时候,我们看了《我的青春谁做主》,就当我们即将豁然开朗的时候,一部《蜗居》把我们全拍死了。绝望中,我们看了《2012》,顿时淡定了。买什么房子啊,早晚要塌的!
    
  7.毛主席语录第38章第5节第27行,不以结婚为目的的恋爱都是耍流氓
    
  8. 话说唐中宗李显是历史上最牛X的皇帝。这是为什么呢?因为他自己是皇帝,父亲是皇帝,弟弟是皇帝,儿子是皇帝,侄子是皇帝,更要命的是他妈也是皇帝,于是历史给了他一个很光耀的名字:六位帝皇丸。
  
  10. 祖国尚未统一,没有心情复习
    
  11. 鸳鸳相抱和时了,鸯在一旁看热闹
    
  12. 其实BTchina和VeryCD两个站点的名字就预示了事件的走向:“变态中国,非常操蛋。”
  
  13. 没有房地产就没有新中国,没有房地产就没有新中国。房地产,它辛劳占耕地;房地产,它一心谋暴利。房地产 它忽悠就能活;房地产它一心救中国 它指给了富豪圈钱的门路,它引导政府走向豪奢。它坚持了疯涨八年多,它改善了官员的生活;它构建了升官GDP,它收取了税费好处多。
    
  14. 在天朝,起初他们追杀魔兽世界玩家,我没有说话,因为我不是魔兽世界的玩家;后来他们封禁YouTube和Twitter,我没有说话,因为我不用这两者;此后,他们关闭BTChina,我没有说话,因为我是电驴主义者;最后,他们奔VeryCD而来,却再也没有人站起来为我说话了。
    
  15.明天你是否会想起/ 昨天你下的日剧/ 明天你是否还惦记/ 曾经红火的越狱/ 网友们都已想不起/ 下载了多少个G/ 我也是偶然翻硬盘/ 才想起CHINABT/ 谁封了你的服务器/ 谁锁了你的IP/ 谁把你的资源清洗/谁给你做的寿衣…
    
  16.据说某公司招聘,先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半,因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人”
    
  17.我终于知道苏格拉底为什么死了,因为雅典人被他永无止境的“为什么”唠叨烦了,最终集体投票把他和谐了。
    
  18.听说光棍节去偷食堂的筷子就能摆脱单身。。。
   
  19.就算生活只是个杯具,我也要做个官窑上品青花瓷杯具。
    
  20.清华女人就是专业,今儿在C楼听见一个女的打电话:“刚开始你把我当氧气,后来当空气,再后来当二氧化碳,现在已经把我当一氧化碳了,你什么意思!”

  21.同济大学老师:“08级的男同学你们不要着急,你们未来的老婆现在还在中学蹦达着呢……成功人士平均比配偶大12岁,这样算来你们很多人未来的老婆还在小学一年级蹦达着。所以说现在养的那是别人的老婆~~~”

  22.前段时间浙大跳楼的讲师,当年是清华水利年级第一。西北大学全奖。四年Ph.D毕业,2年博后。六篇google学术收录文章,三篇SCI。到浙大以后,一个月2000块…
    
  23.快期末了,大家一起跟我唱:“我家住在黄土高坡,大风从坡上刮过,不管是李宇春还是曾轶可,都是我滴哥我滴哥 。。。我家住在黄土高坡,日头从坡上走过,不管是拜春哥,还是拜曾哥,保佑我及格,不挂科!”

  24.刷牙是一件悲喜交加的事情,因为一手拿着杯具,一手拿着洗具。 
  
  26.、一日早朝,王安石出列:“臣有奏,OOXX(以下省略1万字)。”刚说完身后跪下一片叫到:“臣沙发”“臣板凳”“臣地板”“臣顶”“臣也顶”……最后几人面带笑容不语,神宗见状怒击龙椅:“不许纯表情回帖。” 
  
  27.后轮爱上前轮,却知道永远不能和她在一起,于是他吻遍了她滚过的每一寸土地
    
  28.目前中国男女人口比例为116.9 :100,,所以呢,男同胞们要好好奋斗了,不然 你就是那【16.9】!!。女孩们就更应该努力的,否则,连那【16.9】都轮不上妳!!
    
  
  33.在星巴克,我点着一杯卡布奇诺,在这群安静的装逼侠对我侧目的时候华丽的打开我的橘子iphone,刹那间整个星巴克被一首高亢而又悲凉的《月亮之上》所笼罩,顿时,那些星巴克里面的装逼侠们,内牛满面
    
  34.人生最大的悲哀就是 新欢变成旧爱 冲动变成习惯
    
  35.企鹅GG和企鹅MM去约会,企鹅MM还没有到约会的地点,企鹅GG就一直在左看看,右看看…左看看,右看看…左看看,右看看…… 企鹅MM来了后看见企鹅GG这个样子,怒了! 一巴掌呼了过去骂道:“你以为你TMD在登陆QQ啊!”
  
  38.复习=不挂科,不复习=挂科,所以,复习+不复习=不挂科+挂科,提公因式、(1+不)复习=(不+1)挂科,约分,所以,复习=挂科 。我靠,真理诞生了
  
  39. 时间是最好的老师,但遗憾的是——最后他把所有的学生都弄死了。
    
  40.学士上面是硕士,硕士上面是博士,博士上面是博士后,博士后上面呢?如果你够勇敢再读两年是勇士,再读五年是壮士,再读七年是烈士,烈士以后呢?国家会推出圣斗士,读满两年是青铜的,5年是白银的,7年是黄金的。
  
  41. 厦大站坐公交车,上来一个和尚(厦大边上就是南普陀寺),上来一直在讲电话,到了将军祠站(大概有20分钟了),那和尚突然大声吼了一句“你到底还爱不爱我?” 整部车突然安静了下来。。。
  
  42. 新世纪女性:上得了厅堂,下得了厨房,写得了代码,查得出异常,杀得了木马,翻得了围墙,开得起好车,买得起新房,斗得过二奶,打得过流氓…
  
  43.朋友分很多种,有些人真的是一辈子的朋友,有的不过是一杯子的朋友,当然,还有一被子的朋友。
  
  44.只要半个平米的价格,日韩新马泰都玩了一圈;一两个平米的价格,欧美列国也回来了;下一步只好策划去埃及南非这些更为神奇的所在……几年下来,全世界你都玩遍,可能还没花完一个厨房的价钱。但是那时候,说不定你的世界观都已经变了。
  
  45.易帝被误伤嘴唇缝五十针,一千多年就有诗预测曰:临行密密缝,易恐迟迟归…
  
  46.1911,只有资本主义才能救中国;1949,只有社会主义才能救中国;1979,只有资本主义才能救中国;1989,只有中国才能救社会主义;2009,只有中国才能救资本主义;2012,只有中国才能救世界
  
  47.生活就像超级女生,走到最后的都是纯爷们

以后OOXX,再也不用套套了

December 16th, 2009

张三和老婆从县里进城购物,夜宿旅馆。灯光旖旎中,不由性致大发,和老婆OOXX起来。完事,张三给老婆100元,说:“下去再买盒套套,晚上接着来。”话音刚落,房门突然被踹开,一群穿制服的优秀公安干警蜂拥而入,将张三和老婆按倒在地。摄像机、照相机闪烁不停,有人兴奋地大喊“给钱了,给钱了!”

张三刚要挣扎,就被人扇一记大耳光。“横?你丫嫖娼,我叫你横!”

张三大怒道:“你他妈才嫖娼,那个是我老婆。”

警察一听就乐了,说,你和老婆玩还用给钱?

“告诉你啊,给钱就是证据,给钱就是嫖娼,管你丫嫖的是谁。摄像机都拍了,你还想抵赖?再说,你说她是你老婆就是了?你把结婚证给我看看!”

“这个,我没带在身边。”张三苦着脸说。

警察将他俩带进局子里继续调查。经过张三苦苦哀求外加交了1000元押金,英明神武的警察终于同意送张三回家拿结婚证,以证明其婚姻状况。在张三强烈要求下,决定不开警车不穿警服,毕竟,这事太丢人,被街坊邻里的看见还得了?张扬不得。

张三家在县城火车站。张三琢磨着,这一路过了一个收费站,一座桥,过路费共50元。张三福至心灵,嘻笑着把50元递给开车的警察:“帮俺这么大的忙,过路费不能让您和zf出啊,发票您也留着吧。”

» Read more: 以后OOXX,再也不用套套了

Top 10 the worst company URLs

December 14th, 2009
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
  1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
  2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
  3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
  4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
  5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
  6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
  7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
  8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
  9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
  10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Son of a bitch

December 14th, 2009
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

» Read more: Son of a bitch

Making of a Sukhoi Su-30 Flanker

December 5th, 2009

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIxr4PDT544]

Porn shoot 1973

December 5th, 2009