This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford Focus doing 110 miles per hour. With her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds. And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much! I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Bloody women drivers!
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’
The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’
The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
An elderly man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing across his balding scalp. This is great,’ he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.
‘I can get away from him with no problem’ thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, ‘What the hell am I doing? ‘
‘I’m too old for this kind of thing and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver’s side.
‘Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.’
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, ‘Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.’
The Policeman said, ‘Have a nice day.’